Honor and Cherish

Cao Qi softly sighs under her breath as she enters the gardens of Luoyang Castle, the blooms glowing peacefully in the light of the full moon as she walks by. She never wanders outside the castle during the night but her mind has left her restless and walking through the gardens always calms her mind. It is rare for Cao Qi to have raging thoughts distract her as she tries not to care too much about the small things but the subject is too personal for her to ignore.

Her older brother, Cao Pi, recently introduced his wife-to-be, Zhenji, to the rest of the family after recruiting her from Yuan Shao’s forces. She was happy for her brother and adored her sister-in-law but something dark faintly lingered in her heart at the thought of the two. She would admit that seeing the two so happy together made her jealous, feeling she would never find a man that would make her as happy as Zhenji made her brother. Her father wanted her to marry someone he knew would do right by her, always being protective of her as a father should for his oldest daughter, and she could not blame him. She may have experienced the worst of this world in the few battles she had been in but she was not worldly enough to wisely pick a life partner. However, a General in her father’s forces did catch her attention and as she stared at moon from under the blossoming plum tree, she recalled the day she first met the man in question.

~~

Fifteen-year-old Cao Qi has been worrying about her father since he set out to move the Emperor under his protection in Xu Chang. Cao Pi reassures her that their father will be fine and will return home soon but when days become weeks, Cao Qi begins to worry greatly for her father. She does find relief when she hears word of his return in the following month and, being the loyal and anxious daughter, happily greets her father at the gates three days later.

“Father, you’re home!” The small girl darts past her older brother and clings to her father, who tiredly but happily returns the embrace.

“Qi, I’m sorry if I worried you, my dearest daughter.” Cao Cao chuckles as he runs his hand through her loose black hair.

“It’s alright, father. I’m just glad to have you home, safe and sound.” Cao Qi murmurs.

“Worried about us were you, Shanbao?”

The familiar voice causes Qi to chuckle as she looks to her side, finding her uncle approaching with the other Generals that went with her father on his mission. “You all are like family to me, Uncle Dun, so of course I was worried.” She then notices an unfamiliar face among the group of men and turns her full attention to it.

His attire is odd but strangely fresh in Qi’s eyes: white and blue battle robes with iron-plated armor peeking out from the open neckline and one of the billowing sleeves with golden accents ascending to one of two large blue shoulder guards. The other sleeve seems to have been cut away to allow the right hand to be open but the sleeve of a white undershirt is tucked under an iron gauntlet that matches its mate on the opposing hand, a grayish blue in tone. The man’s headdress is a bit strange as well, looking nothing like the helmets she has seen other soldiers wear instead finding something similar to a white turban with an iron circlet-like face guard holding it in place. It hangs loosely around his head and gives a clear view of the man’s face. He is obviously young, not as young as Qi or her brother but not quite as old as her father. Some of his features are strong, like his square jaw and his prominent nose, while others hold a strange gentleness to them, like his lips and surprisingly sharp yet bright brown eyes. Qi finds herself lost in those same eyes as she manages to find the appropriate question for the moment.

“Is he a new General?” Qi asks as she timidly gestures to the man behind Xiahou Dun. “I don’t recognize him from any face I knew before you left.”

“He’s a new recruit, Qi.” Cao Cao explains. “He gave Xu Zhu a reasonable challenge on the battlefield, so I decided to add his strength to our forces.” He glances towards the man and gestures for him to approach. “You may step forward, Xu Huang.”

The man seems hesitant and Dun simply chuckles as he gently pushes the man forward by his shoulder. “Come now, Gongming, she won’t bite you. Show some respect for your new lord’s eldest daughter.”

Xu Huang simply nods then slowly approaches the two Caos, surprising Qi as he stands a whole head taller than her and her father. He seems to find himself lost in pools of curious but kind amber pools before gently smiling then bowing formally. “It is a pleasure to meet you, Lady Cao.”

Qi giggles and returns the gesture, never moving her eyes from the man. “As it is to meet you, Gongming, but please, call me Qi. All of my father’s men do and as one of his Generals now, you’re of no exception.”

“Of course…Qi…”

~~

Cao Qi recalled having the biggest of crushes on the man after that first day meeting him. She slowly grew close with the General and began learning much about him. He was a simple and humble man, never one to brag about his own accomplishments and always honest with his friends and troops. Cao Qi admired him for these qualities and many others, both physical and otherwise. When she began training to become a warrior much like the rest of her family, she and Xu Huang grew much closer as he took it upon himself to look out for her in the battlefield. On a handful of occasions, the General had saved her life when she would have easily fallen if left on her own and she always wished to repay the man for his valor. He would never easily accept any favors from her, it being in his humble nature to not take any unneeded rewards for his efforts, and that only made her fall even more madly in love with the man. He was a loyal, genial, and modest man that could flay hundreds of men with a swing of his axe then carefully carry her back to the main camp when she passed out from exhaustion in battle.

If only she could express her true feelings to the man that tugged at her heartstrings.

Being a modest man, Cao Qi did not expect Huang to be pursuing any kind of partners, romantic or otherwise, as he deemed his duties more important that his desires. His loyalty knew no bounds but Qi wished more than anything to have a chance to show the man how much she loved him. Perhaps it was one of many silly crushes she was prone to at a young age, considering at one point she had an equally large crush on a now-enemy soldier but something about her affection for the humble General seemed like more than a crush. She could not deny that she loved the man, but did he feel the same for her? It was possible but Cao Qi had her doubts. Xu Huang seemed to treat her too much like a younger sister to have any romantic feelings for her and that seemed to cause Qi’s heart to sink in her chest. Her most recent interaction with him proved that much.

~~

It has been a month since Cao Pi returned with his wife-to-be in tow, a strong and beautiful woman named Zhenji, and Cao Qi could not help but feel envious of her brother. Zhenji was his perfect match in every way: beautiful, intelligent, strong, and loyal. Qi always hoped to find a man like that, a strong, handsome man with a brilliant mind and undying loyalty to her. She had her sights on one man she met in her father’s joined efforts with the coalition against the Yellow Turbans, an older General that now served in Shu but that caught her attention at such a young age. She was visiting the main camp of the coalition with her mother to see her father when she first saw him. She developed strong affections for the man and had dreams of being married to him but sadly came to the realization after the rebellion was quelled and the forces diverged to begin developing their own kingdoms. That accompanied with the faint jealousy lingering in her heart drove Qi into a sort of depression. She would not speak to anyone and was less social than she normally would be. She would have been stuck in the dark clouds of her mind had she not decided to train one late afternoon in order to occupy her mind with other thoughts.

That was when she finally vented her true feelings to him.

Concentrating on honing her movements more than directing her hits, Cao Qi was deep within her own world when the sudden sound of her spear hitting metal surprises her. She jumps back by pure instincts, taking a fighting position to defend herself against the sudden intrusion, but relaxes when she sees Xu Huang standing before her. She nervously chuckles as she stands then bows to the other.

“My apologies, Huang, I was simply distracted with my training.” Qi murmurs, trying not to make eye contact with the man as she anxiously looks around for some form of distraction.

“It’s alright, Qi. You’re no different from any other warrior in battle when the mind begins to focus on a task and blocks out the rest of the world.” Huang states as he lifts his training axe from the ground then props it against his shoulder. “You shouldn't be ashamed for having a gift of strong concentration.”

“Right…” Qi sighs, twirling her spear around so the polearm is behind her back then carefully pins it in place with her wielding arm. A silence falls upon the two that Qi does not seem to notice as she falls back into her personal thoughts.

“Does something weigh on your mind, Qi?” The question pulls Qi’s attention and she looks up, meeting bright brown eyes that hold kind warmth in them. “You’ve not been yourself these past few days.”

“I didn't think anyone noticed.” Qi quietly mutters, her eyes falling to the ground.

“Perhaps you need someone to let out your thoughts to.” Qi looks back at Huang, surprised when he moves into a battle stance with his axe gripped in both hands. “Shall we?”

Qi sadly smiles then twirls her spear around, readying herself in her own battle stance then nods before charging at Huang and thrusting her spear forward, just barely missing the man as he dodges to the side then swings his axe up to knock the spear away. Qi spins to avoid the move and swings the blunt end of her spear at Huang, who blocks it with one of his arms. The other smirks softly.

“Now tell me Qi, what seems to be bothering you so?” Huang asks then pushes the end of the spear away as he swings at Qi. She ducks under the swing and swings her spear, only to be blocked by the polearm of Huang’s axe.

“Many things bother me as this war continues to rage on;” Qi huffs as she pushes against the polearm “the safety of my friends and family, the innocent lives at risk outside of the castle walls, the fear that seems to linger in the hearts of all my comrades but that none of them dare speak about. It all bothers me more than anything else.” She jumps back from Huang when he tries to grab her then rolls under another swing behind him. “What else can you expect from someone like me?”

“But none of that is responsible for the change in you, is it?” Huang inquires as he turns. He deflects an attack from Qi then swings at her as she jumps back again. She charges at him once again and thrusts her spear at him, just barely grazing his side and allowing him to grab the spear, keeping the girl in place. “You’ve come to expect many things from the war into your life and you have, but what weighs upon you so heavily that can barely speak to your own friends?”

Qi releases her spear as she kneels and spins on her hands, kicking Huang’s legs out from under him, then quickly retrieves her spear and jumps back. “I suppose I only have myself to blame for that.” She growls then charges at Huang again. She digs the tips of her spear into the ground and vaults herself into the air. She kicks down at the fallen Huang and misses as he rolls away from the attack. She jumps out of his reach but slips on his axe and tumbles, pulling her spear with her as she lands on her back. The axe slides across the ground, allowing Huang to retrieve it as he climbs to his feet. Qi jumps back onto her feet, readying for another charge. “I suppose jealousy in the worst thing to harbor for a sibling.” She is barely able to block an attack from Huang, their polearms clashing as each pushes back against the other.

“I assume it’s because of your older brother.” Huang sighs as he slowly begins pushing Qi, causing her to slide back. “You’re jealous of him and Zhenji.”

“Of course I am!” Qi snaps, pushing back and causing Huang to stumble from her sudden strength. “He always had the luck of getting things before me even when I asked for them first and this is no different.” She charges and violently strikes at Huang as she continues, being blocked each time as her rage builds. “My father’s always been so picky about the man that should marry me, never giving me any choice in the matter but Pi was able to find the woman of his dreams in battle and bring her home without any doubt from our father. It burns me that he has so much more freedom than me! He’s always the one to lead the ambush troop, the one that goes into battle first, the one that everyone praises for his bravery on the front lines. If I was given the same opportunities, if I could show my own abilities in battle without the curtain of Generals constantly watching me because my father doubts me, I could show him I’m as much of a warrior as my brother is!” She soon throws Huang off-balance and he stumbles to the ground. He is barely able to block a final swing from Qi, which nearly breaks the polearm of his axe. “Why does he always have the luck of having all the things I wish for?!” She tosses her spear aside and stumbles back then crumbles to her knees, holding her face in her hands as she softly sobs. “Why can’t I be the one to get what I want for once?”

Qi trembles from her emotions as she slowly begins to breakdown and is only pulled back into reality as a pair of arms wrap around her. She does not look up but leans against the strong chest of her friend as she quietly cries into his shoulder.

~~

“He was always like a brother to me” Qi murmurs as her gaze shifts from the moon “and I never minded his company or attention. In fact, all I ever wanted was that from him and many other things if I was allowed.” She walks away from the plum tree as she speaks. “I wish to mean more to him than just another comrade or a little sister. I want to be more than just another person in his life, I want to be for him what Zhenji is for my brother, I want to be something special to him.” She solemnly sighs as she looks up at the moon again. “I guess I can’t always get what I want in the end.”

“How do you know if you never say anything?”

Qi is surprised by the voice and glances over her shoulder, finding Xu Huang leaning against the plum tree. Her cheeks glow a pale pink from the sight before her as the man’s sleeping robes hug his body in just the right places, accenting his chest and upper arms with blue and white silk, contrasting her own black and silver sleeping robes. “H-Huang…what are you doing up so late?” She asks, looking away to hide her developing blush.

“I would ask you the same, Qi” Huang sighs as he glances up at the moon “but I believe I know the reason even without having to listen to you tonight.” Qi’s cheeks glow a bright red as she turns away, embarrassed to know her feelings are now in the open. The other simply stares at her before shifting his gaze to the moon.

“If only I had realized it sooner, you wouldn't have had a reason to bottle everything up like you did even when you knew you couldn't.”

~~

The sparring match was relentless on Huang but he knew it was needed for the young girl, to have a release for her stress and emotions before they harmed her. He had never seen such a wild fire burn in those amber eyes her adored so much, always harboring a kind essence that seemed nonexistent at the moment. Her hits were strong and accurate and her movements were elegant and planned-out, she fought much like a seasoned warrior though she was not even nineteen yet. She certainly carried her father’s courage and strength, like all of his lord’s relatives, her mind was something incomparable to his lord or his strategists.

While she was not worldly after being kept from the looming war by her father for so long, her knowledge of other things was the most fascinating and attractive thing about her. She could look at a night sky and name the major stars, she could examine the plants in the gardens and tell you the properties of each, both helpful and harmful, and she had a gift in literature analysis like no other. She could read a poem two scrolls long and explain what each verse meant, breaking down each line to the point where the simplest of men could understand.

He adored all of this and many other things about the girl before him and no other could tear his interest and attraction away from her after three years of his secret affection. If she were not his lord’s daughter, he would have taken her hand in marriage upon first sight and would not have taken no for an answer. Her father, while caring about his men, would never consider one of them a suitable husband for his oldest daughter and he understood that well enough. However, when the girl his heart yearned for was on the verge of breaking down before him after so suddenly overpowering him and prepared to defeat him, he set aside his issues with their potential relations and comforted her, his friend, his Qi.

He never spoke a word the entire time as he felt words could not improve this moment any more. He only silently held Qi as she quivered in his arms, letting out emotions she held back for weeks. It was not like Qi to be like this and it scared Huang that this side of Qi actually existed, a side he assumed she only reserved for battle and a side he never wished to mettle with again. He was relieved to notice no one else in the gardens near the training area, knowing that the words spoken would only remain between them. He cared very much for Qi and was willing to endure many more of these brutal sparring sessions to ensure her safety and give her comfort. The girl has been the center of his attention since he first met her upon his arrival three years ago, but could it be possible for her to feel the same way for him? He did not want to dare ask the question, fearing the truth more than anything. He wished not to ruin the special friendship he had with her, remaining her guardian through battle and beyond.

The moment they shared was brief as she soon requested to be escorted to her room for the evening and he wordlessly followed her order. He hoped never to see that side of Qi outside of the training area, fearful of what may happen if she lashed out at the wrong person especially her father. He dedicated himself even more so to watch over her in battle and outside of it as well, ensuring she never show anyone but him the emotional storm that raged within her.

~~

He looks back at Qi and moves from the tree, approaching Qi then gently grabbing her shoulder. She does not move her head to look but one of her hands finds his as she sighs.

“Did you ever ponder that the feelings were mutual from the start?”

Qi slowly turns to the taller man, her amber eyes wide in surprise as she looks up at Huang. “Wait…you mean you…” She gasps as Huang plants a soft chaste kiss on her brow, her cheeks glow a bright pink.

“Yes…”

“For how long have you…”

“Since we first met…” Huang murmurs as he brushes a strand of ebony hair behind Qi’s ear then lets his hand rest on her cheek “you’re the first and only woman to capture my heart so suddenly. Not even the most tempting of concubines could lure me away from you.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Qi inquires as she gently touches the hand on her cheek.

“I thought your father would not approve of you having a General as a husband.” Huang solemnly sighs as he glances away. “He would want you to marry someone that you could live the rest of your life with and not worry whether he will come home or not. He would want you to have someone loyal, someone who will always be by your side, someone who will take care of you after he is gone; that someone could never be a warrior.”

“Huang…” The other slowly looks up and is met by a soft kiss on his lips. He slowly returns the gesture before Qi pulls away then nuzzles into his neck. “You’re much more than a warrior. You’re a loyal man who’s always been by my side at my best and my worst. You’ve never let harm come to me and you’ve always returned home from battle, as you’ve promised me you would whenever you leave and I’m not beside you.” She looks up at Huang and kisses him on the cheek. “You’re everything my father would want in a husband for me and you’re everything that makes me happy to be alive. You’re the man I’ve wanted but never had the privilege to have as my own at first sight.”